New Rules: Kansas City Chiefs Edition 1.0

I guess today’s just Adam’s favorite smart ass TV segment day. First SNL’s “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy,” now Bill Maher’s “New Rules.” Hopefully, you guys will enjoy this just as much (and we can all avoid thinking about the powerhouse Pewter Pirates for at least another day).

New Rules: Kansas City Chiefs Edition 1.0

You can’t slap women around if you refuse to pass block.

You can’t slap women around period, but what kind of pansy abuses women yet tinkerbells around when relied on for pass protection? Larry Johnson, real men do two things: A.) The dirty work; and B.) Never abuse women.

Daunte Culpepper cannot call the Detroit Lions a “better opportunity” than anything except mopping floors at a peep show.

I know a lot of people are laughing at us because of his comments, but C-Pepp definitely won’t be laughing here pretty soon. The Lions may be built Ford, but they’re definitely not “built Ford tough.”

Being negative does not mean you’re being a bad fan.

The players aren’t going to read blogs, newspapers, etc…get down on themselves, suddenly play like crap and blame us. Can you really see Brian Waters saying, “well, if it wasn’t for A.A. and all the Addicts, our line would have gelled by now,” or something to that effect? Chiefs fans show their support by wearing their Red rain or shine, any place, any time, and rocking Arrowhead on Sundays, not by being Chiefs apologists and homers (which is also fine). In our case, dissent has two purposes: A.) It allows the frustrated Red and Gold faithful to vent; and B.) It sends loud-and-clear signals out to the Chiefs’ brass, which monitors what’s going on around the Web and the pulse of the fan (trust me, I know for sure that they do).

Fans and bloggers alike must stop saying that (paraphrasing) “Herm can evaluate talent.”

He knows the secondary, and appears to have drafted two quality corners–we think. Well, that’s where he has always played and coached, so he better be able to evaluate the defensive backfield. On the other hand, our safeties take some of the worst angles I’ve ever seen, and they’re not that fast. I played safety, so I know what I’m talking about here (for once). So can he even evaluate D-backs? Or maybe our defense line is so bad that they can’t get to running backs after they cut through our front seven like a hot Ginsu through butter.

Which leads me to the defensive line; two first-rounders, a second-rounder and a third-rounder, and they get utterly manhandled. Great to see that Tamba Hali can’t even play against left tackles, which is what first-round DEs are expected to be able to do.

Herm and Co. have also been somewhat decent at evaluating running backs, but not much else. Also, your first-round picks (Dwayne Bowe) have to hit, no matter the position. All that being said, what proof does anybody have that Herm can actually evaluate talent? The New York Jets had their worst year under him his fourth and last year there. Would that have happened if he was identifying and drafting such incredible talent. Probably not.

Herm has to stop using the Hermism that his teams “play to win the game.”

This would be like Jason Whitlock saying, “I diet to keep me Keira Knightley thin.”

The Chiefs must produce a reality TV show called QB Quandary next offseason.

Because the Chiefs have deprived us of both the quarterback and the entertainment we deserve for two seasons now, we absolutely deserve this. Can’t you see: A.) Michael Vick hitting on Kelli Croyle; B.) Brodie Croyle standing up to him, getting punched and spontaneously combusting into a billion shards of glass; C.) Jeff George finally getting his shot, but only if his boo Whitlock is his bunkmate…and sleeps above him every night; and D.) Chase Daniel is a contestant, but the catch is a Mizzou fan who practices Chase idol worship has to be his caddy (aka bitch) every day. If Vick is still in a halfway house, all the QBs could just stay there with him until they had their playbooks revoked.

Real Chiefs fans cannot have “second teams.”

All we have left to hang our red hats on is that we have the league’s best, loyalist fans. Puh-lease, let’s not eff that up, too.

Everyone involved with the Chiefs has to stop saying (paraphrasing) “free agency is a waste of money.”

The Redskins are 6-2. Drew Brees is my MVP so far, because the Saints would be 0-8 without him. Bernard Berrian has been fantastic for the Vikings. Kawika Mitchell is now bolstering his second defense in the past two years. Mewelde Moore has kept the Steelers playing at a high level minus Willie Parker. Alan Faneca manhandled Glenn Dorsey last Sunday. Muhsin Muhammad has been huge for the Panthers. Travis LaBoy is already having a career year with the Cardinals. Think the Crump Dump and the Freak aren’t helping the 7-0 Titans? What about Warrick Dunn helping the Bucs? Chad Pennington is making the Dolphins much more respectable than our Chiefs. I could go on and on. Hell, even Cedric Benson and Rudi Johnson look decent despite being burdened by their terrible new teams.

Just because we completely suck at evaluating and signing top-notch free agents, that does not mean that free agency is a waste of money.

Male Chiefs fans cannot wear capris.

I saw a dude wearing a Longhorns shirt and capris the other day. Dude, I like fashion, but c’mon now. Dupris (dude capris)? I am appointing myself the CCC–Chiefs Capris Commissioner. If I catch any of you guy Chiefs fans wearing ‘em–especially with Chiefs garb–I will tomahawk chop that ass and you will lose all your K.C. privileges Pulp Fiction-style.

It is OK to not be pissed when one of your fantasy players makes a big play against the Chiefs.

At least one of our teams should win, right? Right?

Addicts, leave your own “New Rules” in the comments…

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