First of all, my main claim in this edition of Crane Damage is, Bob Gretz is a bitch. He wins this week’s EFFYOU award (which I hand out at my discretion). I hate to throw the “B” label on another man, but I feel in this case the shoe (or bra) fits. Bob Gretz is a douche for telling people Brodie had tears in his eyes going into the tunnel. Keep that shit in the locker room Bobby!
First of all, this report was apparently to cause fan empathy and/or pity toward Croyle, as Gretz is the mouthpiece for the Chiefs. “Oh, but it shows how much the young man cares about football…” save it, shut it. That report did no one any favors. It does make me pity him, but more than before…and that’s not a good thing. Don’t tell me its because he’s crying because of how bad he wants to be out there. Please, any man in America wants to be out there playing quarterback for an NFL team so spare me the Baloney N’ Gretz please. I can picture Gretz, standing there…looking for anything to tell the listeners about our wounded warrior…spots the tears and a lightbulb turns on over his head. He reports it without really thinking it through. Who did that help? It sure didn’t help Brodie and his image, and I don’t see how it benefited the fan base either. Ignorance would have been bliss here. I feel bad enough already for Brodie, so bad in fact, I’m not gonna call him Brokie* anymore. Its just too fitting a nickname that eventually becomes an insult. *fingers crossed
There is, however, good news Chiefs fans! So shed no more tears because Bro-Bro is going to volunteer for a radical government “bone-reinforcing” experiment. There is a doctor out there that has volunteered his services to perform a risky, but necessary, operation on Brodie Croyle’s entire body. The Canadian Government approached Croyle and his agent, Babe Winkelman, with the idea of replacing his skeleton, one bone at a time, with solid adamantium (the strongest metal known to mankind).
The operation will also have some additional effects like animal-keen senses, enhanced physical capabilities, retracting bone claws, and a healing factor that allows him to quickly recover from virtually any wound, disease or toxin or big hit. This healing ability will enable doctors to bond the near-indestructible metal alloy adamantium to his skeleton and claws–making him impervious to attacks from villains of the NFL like Albert Hanynesworth and Adailus Thomas.
The operation will serve Brodie in two forms, the first being that he will be resistant to the NFL’s most punishing hits over and over again…but as a side effect, he may perhaps, at times, violently murder opposing players. The second intended result is to make Croyle “the greatest hunter alive on planet Earth and Alabama” (his words/wish). There is also a movie deal in the works to tell this story with Hugh Jackman starring.
So look forward to next year Chiefs fans, when the Brodie Croyle Experiment goes mutant and we will have a Wolverine at quarterback that didn’t go to Michigan!