Bob "B****" Gretz and Brodie's Experimental Operation
I can’t bring myself to find anything funny or redeeming about last week’s game or this week’s opponent so I wanted to share an observation and talk about Brodie Croyle’s future.
First of all, my main claim in this edition of Crane Damage is, Bob Gretz is a bitch. He wins this week’s EFFYOU award (which I hand out at my discretion). I hate to throw the “B” label on another man, but I feel in this case the shoe (or bra) fits. Bob Gretz is a douche for telling people Brodie had tears in his eyes going into the tunnel. Keep that shit in the locker room Bobby!
First of all, this report was apparently to cause fan empathy and/or pity toward Croyle, as Gretz is the mouthpiece for the Chiefs. “Oh, but it shows how much the young man cares about football…” save it, shut it. That report did no one any favors. It does make me pity him, but more than before…and that’s not a good thing. Don’t tell me its because he’s crying because of how bad he wants to be out there. Please, any man in America wants to be out there playing quarterback for an NFL team so spare me the Baloney N’ Gretz please. I can picture Gretz, standing there…looking for anything to tell the listeners about our wounded warrior…spots the tears and a lightbulb turns on over his head. He reports it without really thinking it through. Who did that help? It sure didn’t help Brodie and his image, and I don’t see how it benefited the fan base either. Ignorance would have been bliss here. I feel bad enough already for Brodie, so bad in fact, I’m not gonna call him Brokie* anymore. Its just too fitting a nickname that eventually becomes an insult. *fingers crossed
There is, however, good news Chiefs fans! So shed no more tears because Bro-Bro is going to volunteer for a radical government “bone-reinforcing” experiment. There is a doctor out there that has volunteered his services to perform a risky, but necessary, operation on Brodie Croyle’s entire body. The Canadian Government approached Croyle and his agent, Babe Winkelman, with the idea of replacing his skeleton, one bone at a time, with solid adamantium (the strongest metal known to mankind).
The operation will also have some additional effects like animal-keen senses, enhanced physical capabilities, retracting bone claws, and a healing factor that allows him to quickly recover from virtually any wound, disease or toxin or big hit. This healing ability will enable doctors to bond the near-indestructible metal alloy adamantium to his skeleton and claws–making him impervious to attacks from villains of the NFL like Albert Hanynesworth and Adailus Thomas.
The operation will serve Brodie in two forms, the first being that he will be resistant to the NFL’s most punishing hits over and over again…but as a side effect, he may perhaps, at times, violently murder opposing players. The second intended result is to make Croyle “the greatest hunter alive on planet Earth and Alabama” (his words/wish). There is also a movie deal in the works to tell this story with Hugh Jackman starring.
So look forward to next year Chiefs fans, when the Brodie Croyle Experiment goes mutant and we will have a Wolverine at quarterback that didn’t go to Michigan!
I like your commentaries typically, but I really don’t get this one. It is a reach really to find something to complain about. I read the same article and it showed me alot about Brodie really. In a way it completely epitomized the Chiefs season and how many of us fans felt, like we had been twisted around by two 300lb men and our seasons (and maybe more) ended. I think Brodie’s tears are not for us to be empathizing with him or anything like that at all. To me it was years and years of hard work in college and high school and most of all the past two years ended in one play (as he will likely not ever be a starter anywhere now.) It wasn’t pitiful or pathetic, it was to show the commitment and passion he had already put into this game and was now completely stripped of him. It would be nice to see more of this kind of emotion in the rest of our team.
Michael Irvin I think talked about it in America’s Game: 1992 Cowboys. That when they were horrible in the late 80’s they would lose constantly and there were people consoling him saying “it’s ok…we’ll pick up our check Tuesday.” And all those people were ushered out, a new locker-room culture was created and a dynasty was formed. WHY?! Because they cared and showed emotion about their sport, about their team and about eachother…I think we need more of this type of passion in the Chiefs locker-room.
Back to Gretz, I think he understands how Chiefs fans are feeling right now and understood the symbolism of Brodie’s tears with the attitudes of all Chiefs fans. He is constantly apologetic for Carl and the others but he does not hold back on what he knows is wrong with this team.
holy hell this was long and unnecessary…and unorganized…
October 24th, 2008 at 2:22 amYeah Gretz is cool and I see nothing wrong with his report. Gretz brings us real life in some of his reports – not just the sanitized “news” story.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:05 am“showed emotion about their sport, about their team and about eachother…I think we need more of this type of passion in the Chiefs locker-room.”
I think we need more of this type of emotion from our f’in owner. The spoiled little rich kid at the helm shows no emotion or concern for this team, he isn’t even in town on game days. You want to designate someone a “Bitch”, you don’t have to look much further than Clark Hunt.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:25 amI wouldn’t call Bob a bitch, but this was definitely a bitch move. Why does nobody want to hear about Brodie’s tears? Because putting one of the most injury-prone QBs ever behind a patchwork line was a recipe for disaster. I think he’s trying to drum up sympathy for the Chiefs, i.e. “Sympathy for the Devil.” Not going to get it here, Gretzy. Dude is Fox News to the Chiefs’ GOP. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just King Carl’s ultimate yes man.
As for Brodie’s new surgery, I can’t help but think of Heroes…
If the Chiefs were someone from the show, they’d definitely be invisible, but only on Sundays. But if Chiefs Nation were from the X-Men universe, we’d be Mystique. I wish we were Wolverine, but every time we try to become something else we always end up just being blue.
Funny stuff, Crane. I’m going to try and score an interview with Bro-Bro’s agent.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:41 amBob Gretz completes me.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:00 amI’m with you on this one Crane, Gretz as a sportswriter is a joke, he’s a tremendous ass kiss, and his columns never offer anything of value.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:51 pmGretz also provides us outsiders some access on his blog. I’d be careful about biting the hand that feeds you.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:02 pm