2009 State Of Chiefs Nation Address

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Chiefs Nation and fellow Addicts, at this precise moment we are a people divided.

Some of us still offer steadfast support for the Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards regime. Others lambaste King Carl and who we feel is his court jester, Harm the Clown, every single chance we get, due to the fact that we think they are the problem–not the solution.

Some of us are just as “pissed off” as Tony Gonzalez was following his non-trade, especially when we know that the Eagles did in fact offer a third-round pick and that the Chiefs pulled out of a trade with the Packers. Others contend that the Red and Gold and its fans don’t owe Tony G a damn thing and shouldn’t have buckled for anything less than a second.

Some of us despise Larry Johnson, and think that he’s an overrated locker room cancer. Then there are those of us who believe that Iron Man is the rock of the Red, and that when we feed him we always have a chance to win.

Some of us think that the Chiefs and their league-leading $39 M in cap room are really the Cheaps. Chiefs’ fiscal conservatives disagree, feeling that the Chiefs are saving and spending wisely.

The aforementioned and everywhere in between are our viewpoints, but let me offer up some straight talk to you, my friends. Whether or not the current Chiefs’ brass is “change we can believe in” or not, we are all Chiefs fans. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dissent and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a homer. However you chose to be a fan is your prerogative, but let’s always remember that even though we may disagree and go about our biz differently, we are all still die-hard Chiefs fans. There are no Red fans. There are no Gold fans. There are only Red and Gold fans. We’ve all “Earned Our Arrowhead.” Always remember that…

That being said, yes, I am going to offer up a scathing critique of the current administration. Let’s just say that this post is to Herm and Carl what Oliver Stone’s W. is to President George W. Bush and the man behind the curtain, one Karl Rove.

Speaking of Dub-ya, Herm Edwards is just as unflappable in the face of his own failures as George H.W.’s boy. I don’t know about you all, but I’m sick and tired of Herm’s hollow talking points. Here are some recent Hermisms Herm Bushisms (paraphrasing here, folks):

1. “I don’t know what happened. ” – Following the Panthers game.
2. “There’s no problem here.” – Today on the NFLN.
3. “It doesn’t say anything about me, it doesn’t say one thing about me. It has nothing to do with me. You need to ask the player that. That’s not for me to answer…I don’t have to do that.” – About the Gonzalez non-trade.
4. “I’m just worried about getting a first down.” About the Titans game.
5. “You play to win the game.” – The most famous Hermism, which looks ridiculous considering that the Chiefs are dead last in the NFL when it comes to first down yardage.

Now here are some actual Bushisms:

1. “I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.”
2. “I’m the master of low expectations.”
3. “I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
4. “They misunderestimated me.”
5. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Seriously, think about Herm saying all of those quotes about the Chiefs, and you’ll come to the realization that it isn’t much of a stretch. Not only does he frequently sound like some ignorant cowboy when he spouts off his B.S., he never, ever takes any accountability for anything ever. Harm is also like Bush in the way that everything he’s been the head of has eventually hit rock bottom. The biggest thing they have in common, however, is that both prey on the faith of the nations they preside over.

John McCain might have looked in Putin’s eyes and seen “KGB,” but when I look into Herm’s eyes I see three-and-out.

Does he really not think he had anything to do with Tony G wanting to get Gonzo? Before Herm, we had a Pro Bowl QB, the league’s best offensive line and an innovative offensive coordinator. Our offense was a futuristic Jetsons car screaming through the atmosphere. Now, Herm and Chan Gailey are Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble; the bottom of the car is cut out and they are running barefoot trying to keep up with the fast-paced offensive engines around the NFL. Does Tony believe in the Flintstones’ Jurrassicly simplistic O? My bet is that he yabba dabba don’t.

Herm, you signed off on Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard two years in a row. You signed off on this offensive line, not to mention last year’s. You signed off on Mike Solari (have you seen Seattle’s O-line this year–yuck!) and now Chan. You signed off on inking a midget WR off waivers and putting him into the game that very week at quarterback of all positions.

Tony and King Carl are buddies. Peterson has also displayed the ability to turn a franchise completely around, and done so twice in Kansas City. You, sir, have not. If Tony is indeed “pissed off” about not getting traded, it’s because he’s stuck in K.C. with you, not Peterson.

If you want to indict Carl for anything, indict him for hiring Herm. Money spent on L.J. and Tony G. would have been money well spent if we didn’t have this imbecile he hired to be our coach. Any money spent on Herm-coached players is a waste of money. I’m not a fiscal conservative when it comes to the Chiefs’ coin either. I haven’t been buying tickets, NFL Direct Ticket, jerseys, jackets, etc… to pad the Hunts’ pockets. I’ve been doing it because I love my Red and Gold and want to rep them win or lose long enough to eventually see even our lovable losers win. I want them to spend like a drunken Daniel Snyder. Nonetheless, Carl was right not to splurge on any free agents this past offseason. Why? Because Herm Edwards destroys teams. He turns winners into 4-12 jokes. Might as well save as much bank as we can until he’s ghost.

Jason Whitlock was absolutely right when he stated that this “latest mess at Arrowhead is not Herm’s fault.” Well, the statement is right, but his reasoning is wrong. He’s right because it’s not Herm’s fault that he’s a gutless, inept head coach. To steal a line from Denny Green, he was who Jets fans thought he was. Carl’s biggest mistake was hiring Herm, and that’s the biggest reason he needs to join Edwards in the unemployment line.

Now on to Carl. First off, I’m no King Carl apologist. Not too long ago, I called him Julius Chiefs Czar because he isn’t even a king of a monarchy–he’s the dictator of a 20-year empire. Luckily, the downfall of every empire is economics. I’m hoping that plummeting ticket sales will finally prompt Clark Hunt to dethrone the King. Still, if I either had to pick to keep Carl or Herm, I’d pick Carl in a nanosecond without hesitation. What has Herm proved except that he can rattle off incoherent rants, make excuses and produce an eyelid-dropping, snooze-inducing losing brand of football? Sorry, but I trust Carl way more.

That doesn’t mean Carl shouldn’t get fired, though. The Gonzalez non-trade was just another example of Carl watching out for Carl. First off, he didn’t want to set a bad precedent by caving to anything less than a second-round pick. I felt like screaming at him, you’re not going to be here anyway, you effin’ prick! Not like he would have listened. Second, I honestly think he was worried about losing money at the gate sans No. 88. He certainly wasn’t looking out for Tony or our best interests. Instead of us receiving a third-rounder and Tony getting a shot at the Super Bowl, we’ll never get any compensation for a future HoFer and Gonzalez will almost certainly never win a Super Bowl. Sad but true.

This latest mistake is the last straw for me. I’m going to be on Clark Hunt‘s ass like jiggle on Kim Kardashian’s, and I will be until he does three things:

Fire Herm Edwards: arguably the worst head coach in the National Football League. Honestly, I’d rather have Joe the Plumber coaching this team. After all, when you have you-know-whatty water overflowing to the floor, who do you call?
Fire Carl Peterson: the GM who most deserves to be canned now that Matt Millen is jobless.
Find a legitimate freakin’ QB who can be the answer for the next half decade or so, maybe even longer if we’re truly blessed by the football gods.

We’ll get into their potential replacements soon–ahem, Bill Cowher and Marty Scottenheimer or Josh McDaniel and Scott Pioli, and Michael Vick or J.P. Losman–but for now I want to focus on the fact that Clark Hunt needs to remodel more than just Arrowhead Stadium. Those three things have to happen before the 2009 draft, and I will not relent until they do. I mean, do you actually think the King and his cronies are doing a good job? Well, if you’re right and the King does relinquish his crown and retire at season’s end, then at least we’re half way there.

Consider the warning shots fired, Clarky. It’s time for you to be more Clark Kent’s alter ego and less Clark Griswold.