Brangelina Theory: The Tony G-Men Makes Sense

It’s the bye week, and after last week’s debacle I’ve tried to make it a mini-bye week for me as well. But I always think about my Chiefs. I can’t help it. A few minutes ago something popped into my head that totally explains the Tony Gonzalez situation. I’m glad, because I was really struggling to explain my stance and was hurting sans the weekly Arrowhead Advantage feature. (By the way, there’s no way I’m doing RW/FF this week. I’d rather watch Gigli for ten hours straight. Besides, I deleted the Carolina Calamity the second it concluded.)

Tony Gonzalez stuck with the Chiefs is similar to when Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton. I love Billy Bob, but much like the Chiefs, the Midwestern favorite wasn’t going to cut it for one of the hottest stars around. Angelina needeed her own star; one who was at the top of his game and in his prime. She found that in Pitt, ten years Billy Bob’s junior and just a tad more handsome, rich and famous.

A team like the New York Giants could be Tony G’s Pretty Boy Pitt. He’s given everything to the Chiefs for over a decade now, on his way to becoming the most prolific Chiefs’ offensive player and NFL tight end ever. He’s basically pulled an Angelilly Bob and worn a vial of the Chiefs’ blood around his neck. He’s been the Red and Gold’s monogamous rock. And what has he received in return? A bunch of playoff one-and-dones.

Don’t give me this “we paid him” crap either. If Billy Bob would have told Angelina she wasn’t worth all of that fuss (she ultimately ditched him), another guy would have disagreed and scooped her up. History proves that statement true. Gonzo would be no different. If King Carl had of decided not to pay Gonzalez, then another suitor would have swooped in within the hour and paid that man–handsomely. As much as we love Tony G, I don’t think even we truly appreciate what he brings to the franchise on a daily basis.

Again, I love me some Billy Bob Thornton. Bad Santa, Sling Blade, The Man Who Wasn’t There, etc. But over the past five years it’s been easy to see why Angelina bounced, especially in favor of Pitt. Not trying to be superficial here, folks, but just look at the situation objectively. Angelina makes beautiful people look in the mirror and say, damn, I’m ugly. She had no business being with a guy closer to her dad Jon Voight’s age than her own. Being married to a star like Pitt has helped her take her career to the next level–to the A-list.

The defending Super Bowl champion G-Men can do the same for Tony. He deserves some actual playoff success and a chance to win a Super Bowl. If you ask me, playing for the small market, playoff pansy Chiefs has also affected his marketability. This guy should be as big as any star in the NFL. The only thing better than his hands and his looks are his personality. The guy is a role model and a bonafide hero. He may not have been able to save the Chiefs from choking, but, much like he did for Ken Hunter, he applied the Heimlich Maneuver. The Chiefs were just beyond even his saving.

My Brangelina Theory states that the right thing for the Chiefs to do is get on the horn and make the Giants the Tony G-Men. At worst, they’d send us a third-rounder. That pick will be worth something when Tony is soaking up the sun with October as a California retiree, waiting to enter the Hall of Fame and Ring of Honor as a Chief. For now, Tony deserves better.

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Tags: Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Chiefs Giants Gonzalez Trade

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