Herm Beat Up

BCFS - Battered Chiefs Fan Syndrome - Are You Affected?

Herm Beat UpLet’s get one thing straight, there’s nothing funny about domestic violence.

However, when my doctor diagnosed me with BCFS this week (Battered Chiefs Fan Syndrome) I was in denial.

BCFS? Not me. I swore to him the shiner I had was because clumsy me walked into a doorknob. He got up slowly and shut the door, held my hand and told me I was in a safe place.

“Did Herm do this to you?” he asked quietly. I shook my head.

Carl? Was it Carl?” I shrugged.

“I had it coming,” I said slumped in my chair. “I thought we’d get beat by Denver, so I didn’t go to the game. Next thing you know, Bing! Bang! Boom! To the Moon! Its my fault… for not having the tailgate set up when he got to the stadium.”

The good doctor then proceeded to tell me that despite the Denver game, there is no excuse for BCFS.

“We have seen an extreme uptick in the number of BCFS cases since 2006,” he told me. “You are not alone.”

That’s when I broke down sobbing and let it all come out…”It started in 1991, the Dolphins game…when Nick the Kick had no kick left in his balls against Miami. That was the first time I was abused. I gave the Chiefs the benefit of the doubt that there wouldn’t be a next time.”

“Go on, its OK,” he said.

“1993… Joe Montana, Marcus Allen…Buffalo. AFC Championship it happened again. I never thought I would get over it. Just when I had put it behind me, it happened again in 1996 – Lin Elliot missed three field goals and it was my fault. It left me emotionally scarred and I wore sunglasses around for a week to hide it.”

I started to get choked up…”Then…BAM! in 1998, I began cheating on Elvis Grbac…with Rich Gannon, but I took Elvis back against my better judgment. Call me Priscilla, ’cause I was “all shook up”. Then Rich left me for the Raiders, Neil left too, and Marty retired. It was what I considered until last year, rock bottom. In 2000, Derrick died and we were never the same.”

The doc scribbled some notes on his clipboard, and said “What about now with Herm? Has it gotten worse?”

“Herm has come into my home on Sundays time and time again – 12 times in a row at one point, and beat my ass as a fan. Sometimes painful, sometimes with a smile on his face, but the result was always the same. ‘You play to win the game!’ He lied as he kept battering me and other fans that were used to and spoiled by winning. Carl even got into the mix, letting Jared Allen go and leaving us $39 mil under the cap and I couldn’t take any more. It got so bad that the police were called. This is what I told them.

“He didn’t mean to hit me officer. He’s a good man. I was lying in the driveway when he ran over my head with the truck! He’s a good man, he didn’t mean to hit me… he’s passed out under the trailer, with his dog, Skeeter!*” *hat tip

That’s when the doctor offered me this sage advice, “Being a Chiefs fan is a lot like being a Cubs fan. You’ve tasted ultimate victory 100 years ago, OK maybe only almost 40 years, and been close as recently as the 2004 season when you went 13-3 with one of the league’s highest scoring offenses. Even in 2005, you finished 10-6 and were only the fourth team since 1990 to miss the playoffs with that record. You took one of the highest scoring offenses in the league and let Harm Edwards do his best Tom Landry/Herschel Walker-circa-1988-impression in ’06 and literally run it into the ground by giving your new star running back, Larry Johnson, over 400 attempts, you backed into the playoffs – hoping to run roughshod over a shoddy horrible Indianapolis defense and avenge your 2004 defeat at the hands of the mighty Colts in Arrowhead. That, as you know, didn’t happen.”

He continued, “Hell, Kansas City was 13-10 (over two seasons) going into the middle of 2007 after losing Trent Green and Willie Roaf, cornerstones of the team. So what’s the problem? Herm wanted to be a G.M., not a coach. The answer is the same as the primary cause of the current economic crisis. Negligence. Negligence with a dose of Herm Edwards.” Click the link to return the favor (oldie but goodie). A win against Denver, like an apology and some roses from the wifebeater, doesn’t put Humpty-Dumpty back together again. Good luck this week Chiefs, you’ll need it.

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Tags: Arrowhead Battered Chiefs Herm Edwards Humpty-Dumpty Joe Montana Marcus Allen NFL News Roaf Tailgate Trent Green

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