Hey, Chiefs Fans, Screw Tailgating–It's Time To Start Heaven's Gating
Margaret Knight was an employee in the Columbia Paper Bag Company in Springfield, Massachusetts. In 1867, she invented a new machine part that would make square bottoms for paper bags by automatically folding and gluing them. After doing thousands of trial bags on a wooden machine, she had an iron model produced in Boston. Simultaneously, a man that had previously toured her workplace attempted to steal her idea, claiming women couldn’t possibly invent machines. Due to her notes, blueprints and 16 days of trial at her expense the jury ruled in her favor.
All this work was done so eventually football fans could have a “green” solution to express their displeasure with their local sports teams by wearing aforementioned bags on their heads, scribbling “FIRE _______!!!” The Detroit Lions eventually got this to work with their firing of Matt Millen and Chiefs fans should take note.
The old adage says “Beauty is a Lightswitch Away”, if only that were true with the Chiefs; I would have already got Herm Edwards pregnant. It worked with Sarah Palin’s daughter didn’t it? Hell, why not hire Sarah Palin as our head coach and G.M.? If she can kill a moose with her bare hands and field dress it with her teeth, she surely can wear a headset and glance up at the clock…or call the exact same play twice in a row like Herm did last week (pass to the left, short flare over the top to Jamaal Charles).
The brown paper bag goes with Herm Edwards as well as it does an ugly girl. Yeah everyone likes her ok enough, and says she has a “great personality,” but when it nears showtime we still want to put that bag over her head. Sure Herm’s a great quote guy and a player’s coach, but when game time nears I find myself reaching for something…a remote…a paper bag…or if I’m at the game, I reach for my trusty…
Kansas City Chiefs Fan Stadium Pack!
1 Paper Bag – Brown. (no holes…I can’t watch)
1 Arrowhead bottled water 16 oz. (or Everclear, if you prefer)
1 Sony Walkman DVD Player (with a burned DVD of 2006 KC-Denver Thanksgiving Game)
1 Vermeil-ex (cross between a Terrible Towel and Kleenex for wiping tears/vomit)
If you can’t find a paper bag but are able to procure a plastic bag…fear not! You may have the answer. What we need to do to really send a message to King Carl and the gang at One Arrowhead Drive is bring plastic bags to the game. Now hear me out. We need COMMITTED, make that literally DIE-HARD Chiefs fans to pull this one off.
Bring your Wal-Mart plastic bags to the game, in secret. Stash them in your pocket. After the final whistle of the third quarter…whip ‘em out (the bags…get your mind out of the gutter). Kiss your wife, or seat neighbor goodbye. Finish your water or Everclear. Wipe away those tears with your Vermeil-ex. Place the plastic bag over your head and turn around and ask the person behind you (if there is anyone at the game) on your signal to wrap the handles tight around your head and pull when you sit down.
At first you’re going to panic like Brodie turning to give the handoff on the wrong side, but relax and walk toward the light. You’re going to a better place. A place full of multiple touchdown games and stingy defense. Fantasy football is awesome in Heaven. Each week all your players are Saints and have career games. With any luck you’ll meet a Priest at the Red and Gold gates, dressed in all white and healthy; extending his little touchdown shrug into a hug for you, the Chief fan that made the ultimate sacrifice.
This Heaven’s Gate/Jim Jonesian approach to protest won’t win the hearts and minds of the Hunts, but it will get us way more media attention than a few guys in the beer garden running into walls with bags on their heads. It will show our commitment, our resolve and in a “samurai-falling-on-his-sword” kinda way…our honor.
In all seriousness, you can’t just throw a bag over your head to make a lasting statement to our Chiefs management. There has to be more substance–like everyone having the exact same thing written on their brown bag and not spending one penny more than necessary in Arrowhead. The question is, who do we want out first? King Carl, Harm, Brokie, or everybody? My order of operations would be Harm, Brokie, and eventually Carl. I think Carl still could serve a purpose in strictly GM capacity over a year or two, but he needs to be gone by 2010 for sure. Let’s let him finish this stadium expansion before half the cast of the Sopranos is sitting in lawn chairs collecting a paycheck in the parking lot. Carl isn’t coaching, or calling plays or starting Tyler Thigpen. Carl is however, laughing all the way to the bank (that is, before it fails too).
I’ve given you the Blueprint. It’s up to you to make the medium the message.
Finally, Did you hear that Arrowhead is about to be named Tampax Stadium?
It’s because the Chiefs are only good for one period and don’t have a second string!
I wouldn’t really say the way the fans behaved in Detroit had anything to do with Millen getting fired…They have been wearing sacks and so on for 3 or 4 years and Millen remained…
Not as fun as your other stuff, but I can’t blame you, you arent given much to work with these days with this team.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:33 amI totally say Brokie has to go first. The dude is not built to take hits in the NFL. You are no good to us if you cant stay on the field. Sorry Brokie but you have to go but your wife can stay.
Herm does not need to go anywhere but here and teach these guys how to play the game. I’m a Tampa native and had to go through this when he was there with Dungy. This is the way it has to be. So take your bag and cover your face. I could really give 2 shits about that. I’ll just laugh and point at your dumb ass and not even think about what your trying to do. I’ll watch the game and see what Herm is trying to do.
Carl- stays
September 26th, 2008 at 6:11 amChan- stays
Gunther- can go(Linebackers suck)its bullshit!!!
just a reminder… WE ARE REBUILDING!!! I think everyone needs to shut up about firing this firing that. everyone stays and at the end of the season we pick up a qb. no one said that rebuilding is an easy thing, i think we are all finding that out the hard way. so lets all hang in there and support our team through the tough times. its not going to be easy! GO CHIEFS
September 26th, 2008 at 7:21 amThere is only one problem with your statement jb, it is that Carl has been rebuilding for 19+ years and has nothing to prove for it. Everyone else should possibly deserve a break besides the King…
September 26th, 2008 at 9:09 amI do agree zach but when carl goes that means cleaning house and the means starting from scratch again which i thought thats what we did this year. but i agree something has to happen just for the fans/team. GO CHIEFS
September 26th, 2008 at 9:39 amI agree with JB. People need to HOPE they don’t fire Carl. Because that means another GM comes in and then we are back to a worse position than what we are in now. TG would ask to be traded at that point and we would be watching a team trying to find an identity AGAIN. If you leave people where they are now, we don’t have that problem and likely will make some progress and actually be a contender, IF we can get a damn qb to stay consistent and, of course, healthy!
September 26th, 2008 at 9:57 amHow is anything worse than it is now? I dont see that logic.
We are 3-0. We have shown no life, no ingenuity, no creativity, and are a the best candidate to go 0-16.
What in your mind is worse than it is now?
We have a Head Coach that is afraid of scoring too many points, who hired an OC to make sure that didn’t happen, and only 3 games in that duo is excelling their own expectations I’m sure. Scoring too much or too fast is not an issue anymore.
Our Defense is giving up what, 250+ rushing yards, missing tackles and not tackling hard enough.
While we have recovered turnovers, I don’t believe one of them is an interception, and we have only 3 or 4 sacks as a team.
In the preseason we showed life, just about everyone one of our players showed heart and potential, but thats gone now.
So please tell me how firing a coach, GM, or OC could get us worse than this, I’m dying to know.
Lastly, we have to look at the long term effects of our time with Herm.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:21 amHis first season he inhereted the team, after that it was his team, and look whats happended.
At this rate, these young players have nothing to look forward too, nothing to get excited about. They see the same coach, preaching the same bullshit, they go out and play for the same result, a loss. This is turning our team sour. How do you expect to win when all youve known is losing, and your leadership does nothing to improve the situation, making moves like evaluating the 3rd string QB into the season!!! That is what preseason is for!!
Our players are going to start to come to work in the mindset that they’ve already lost the game, and if/when that happens, there won’t be a way for them to win.
KCfan.. everything you just said can be fixed by a good qb. im sure herm would love to score points the only problem is, he can’t. he cant throw down the field because he doesnt have a qb that can. first thing everyone one wants is to just start firing people like its a video game or something. the d lets up all those yards in the second half bc the o cant get a first down. i do agree tho herm mad a bad decision with startin tyler early in the season that should of been done at the end of the season.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:46 amTeam Priest 31 – Herm wasn’t the head coach at Tampa back then..This willl be Herm’s third 4-12 season..He is an inept coach and I will argue that with you until armageddon…Herm needs to leave and leave now..I don’t care if we’re competitive two years from now, this team needs a better coach..Herm is a loser..Why do you want a coach who would rather score 21 points rather than 31 points? Does that make any sense? Of course not! I bash herm not because I have something against him! I bash him because I believe he is incompetent..He is a terrible coach..Abs Terrible..Team Priest are we supposed to blame the youth movement on our terrible offensive calling and 0-2 starts in Herms first three years as well? Give us a break man, and return to realityville for a second.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:25 amKc fan in Atl : You just became my best friend on here..Finally someone speaks the truth..You all are just missing the point: Herm doesn’t care about scoring points..It’s that simple..We have a quarterback in brodie croyle who can throw the hell out of the ball and we never let him air it out…Why? Because Herm likes running time off clock and making love to his Time of Posession sheet! I will take any coach in the NFL over Herm Edwards..We throw 1-2 passes per game that are over 15 yards! Quit using the rebuilding and qb excuse..Please! I say everyone stays except for Herm “dumbass” Edwards…Can anyone on here defend Herm as to why we we’re running constantly down by 17 points with 5 minutes trickling down on the clock? Please I’d love to hear that
September 26th, 2008 at 11:31 amthis will be herms 8th season overall as a head coach he made the playoffs 4 times in 7 years as a head coach…yeah he is horrible, worst coach ever…right??? Yeah right!
September 26th, 2008 at 12:03 pmWhy run the ball with 5 minutes left? I can think of a few reasons. First, if you were paying attention, you’d know that up until that point that running the ball was only thing that was producing chunks of downfield yardage without turning the ball over. Second, when the defense expects pass, you run. Third, effective running eventually gives way to the pass. Fourth, relying solely on Tyler Thigpen’s arm to make plays would have been the most surefire way to eliminate any hope of a comeback – allowing that kid pass is an interception waiting to happen.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:06 pmOnce again, this killed me Crane. This is exactly how we are going to get through this season. I suggest that anyone who still supports Harm bring a plastic bag to the game. Just kidding, but, seriously, how could anybody support this guy after what we’ve seen? Tampax Stadium is right, because the Broncos are about to make us look like a bunch of, well, yeah, you know. I wish it wasn’t so, God, I do. But deep down we so all know that it is.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:24 pmFirst of all if you look at the stats of other teams rebuilding from the bottom up, what the chiefs are going thru is very very commond… Just take a look at what the Packers went thru when they cleaned house (basically the same record) and they had a hall of fame quarterback when they were rebuilding.
Herm was part of the rebuilding in Tampa…check your facts….
OUr problem is that we kept Peterson because of the coach, Our owner thinks that our coach can do this and if he brought in another GM it would mean a new head coach, so that is why he kept Peterson. But Peterson infuence has finally been downgraded. Others are now making some of the critical decisions. But this is really just our first real rebuilding year. Peterson has had a band aid approach for the past 20 years, and that has not worked. Our problem is that we do not have a real quarterback yet, and until we get that we will be floundering.
As to the bags, they are not necessary and way to premature. Our owner has family that lives in kansas city and also is here much more than his Dad (Mitch Holtice said this). SO he is very aware of what the fans think. Maybe at the end of the year if there is no improvement with the team, then the bags maybe justified. But as Bob Gretz says our new owner has a much shorter leach than his dad did, if there is no improvement then everyone will be gone.
I like some of adams posts and a few are actually brilliant. However he does have bias against Herm which he admitted the other day. In fact he said he has always had doubts about Herm. That being the case, one could make the argument that his objectivity is skewed a bit. That being said, we do know that Herms history shows that he is a good coach and his teams play hard for him. However without a quarterback, this team is not going anywhere so he may get caught in a numbers game. He put all his marbles on Brodie and that may come back to bite him big time this year. He also seemed to think that Huard had not lost his stuff as a good back up but obviously this is not the same Huard that we saw two years ago (of course our line is not the same line either so ….)
SO I do think that at this point, Adam maybe correct. However I do not think that this is a problem that management is not aware of. But our new guys are getting better according to Bob Gretz as they graded out better the last game then they did the second game. And our running game finally came alive. The problem is that there are not any franchise quarterbacks sitting around for us to pluck out of the woodworks. The guy from cleveland is just a pipe dream, and is not available at any price. Cleveland has its own quarterback problems, so they are not about to trade away their number one draft pick. But you who actually have thought out this problem, expressed it very well when you pointed out that if we bring in a new GM then he will want a new coach with a new system etc, so in essence that means starting over once again. SO to stop in mid-stream will set us back.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:30 pmThis was actually Crane, Writer. (we may have to change were we but the written by, I’m thinking…thanks for giving me that idea) But thanks for the compliment and I will agree that I am not totally objective when it comes to Herm. Also, be careful how much you listen to Boob Gretz about anything except player development. The guy is the Chiefs’ P.R. propaganda machine. His aim is to make you think everything is going according to plan.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:41 pmThe Chiefs suck. I’m dreading watching this game. When you are rebuilding you still try and win and instead Herm just stands there.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:55 pmWriter’s note:
Again, just wanted to remind everyone that each Friday I’ll be posting similar columns. They are for entertainment and a few chuckles. Sometimes there will be serious analysis in there but mostly its tongue in cheek humor. I know we are rebuilding, so please…don’t remind me and everyone else. These Friday columns are for us to take a breather and relax, have fun and get ready for the weekend brutalizing that we are about to suffer through.
Again, I’m anti-Herm, Anti-Brodie…but pro-Chiefs.
Thanks Adam and everyone else. Have a good one this weekend everybody.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:28 pmI do think you had some fun with your post and look forward to your next Friday article, but…
I’d really hate to see KC Fans act the way some other fans have in the past. I have always had a sense that KC fans are committed and die hard proud of the team, through thick and thin. I don’t think that type of “statement” from the fans would positively affect the team in any way. It will only feed the desire of good players to leave and mediocre players to continue to play with lack of passion. During this season in particular, forget past seasons, I think the players need us to get them pumped up, not lambasted and embarrassed by their own fans.
Removing Carl & Herm in mid-season would be complete suicide for the team and put us back another couple of years. I don’t care how much people have man-hate for them, the issue is continuity and team cohesion. It’s time for us all just to have fun with the team we have this year and watch the development.
So many are acting like the season is over and we have only played 3 stinking (and I mean that) games! We all want wins, but no one, including most of us, expected many in the first place. Let the coaches coach and players play, then around week 15 and 16, it will be time to evaluate both. I will bet that Hunt will “do the right thing” at the end of the season, if our Chiefs are at the bottom or have 4 or less wins. Calling for firings and raging against management will not fix or help the team….yet.
A little patience and having fun watching the development of players this year, will go a long way in easing the pain. I’d like to see all of you who are able to attend games, shock the media world by still being the best and most supportive team fans in the NFL, despite the record and mistakes. The responsibility will be placed appropriately at the end of the season, so just hang on and be great fans.
September 26th, 2008 at 4:23 pmDouble D thank you for the education..I realize all of your points are sound reasons for running in general during the course of a game, however theirs a different method to running an offense when your down 17 points wouldn’t you agree? When their is only 5 minutes left in the game? Isn’t their a difference? I guess we should just run the ball if its working with 1 minute left down by 7 instead of throwing the balls because hell its working! Right! That’s basically your point. Your smart enough to know the difference Double D so please don’t use that ignorant crud here inregards to this topic.
jbchiefs14 you make a valid point but the best Herm has ever finished is 10-6..And sure he’s gone to the playoffs 4 times, this will be his third season out of eight with a 4-12 or worse record..Why are you in love with this guy? Our offense has been terrible since he arrived? Quit blaming this on vermeil when Peterson and Herm could’ve been looking around at free agents to fix this mess…They thought our 2007 team would be fine, well it wasn’t..They thought this year would be fine, well it looks even worse..How do you support someone who dissed our high and powerful offense, yet can barely manage to coach an offense that is worthy of 14 points a game? Run, Run, Pass, Punt! And Field Goals! This is very very exciting football and it makes total sense too! Lets just use up all the time we can making runs and throwing short passes and then we’ll kick the ball and keep it very close instead of trying to score touchdowns anyway possible.. jbchiefs14 how long have you had your man crush on Herm Edwards? Just curious
September 26th, 2008 at 4:44 pmAdam keep up the Herm Bashing, I’ll be with ya until Herm gets the axe..If we lose our next two games, Herms gonna lose this team..Can’t wait! Bring back Marty! Bring in Al Saunders! Bring in Cowher! I’m fine with anyone of them.
I have no personal bias against Herm..It’s just been painstakingly obvious since the middle of the 2006 season that the guy has no sound offensive strategy, cannot manage the clock, and his strong suit (defense) has been mediocre at best here..His player evaluation has been sub par as well…I also happen to believe he doesn’t truly care about winning this season..He really doesn’t..No one in their right mind should think Tyler Thigpen is worthy to lead an NFL offense..I don’t care if Huard can run worth a damn, he can atleast throw accurately and not throw into triple coverage on every play..
September 26th, 2008 at 4:51 pmYou’re the same guy that called for Marty’s head.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:07 pmThanks adam for the clarification….and if fridays are going to be fun day I promise I will lighten up and respond in kind. I think the big problem the chiefs did was not in letting everyone know that Peterson was demoted in a round about way. People are not willing to give Herm a chance because of the fact Peterson is still around. Some of you object about the system but regardless this system works if you have the players. As Led Dawson said the other day in an interview, it is not the system that is the critical factor because in fact the plays are all the same, rather it is the players that make the system work. But without a quarterback to quote Bob gretz we will see another quarterback next year. I do not see Bob as being the great yes boy that you seem to make him out to be. He had many critical articles about the chiefs last year and perhaps that is why he was demoted from the chiefs broadcast. But I have not seen him as critical of the chiefs this year as we was last year….
Now adam perhaps you can help me find out where the authers name is placed on the article….I looked around and could not find it…most likely it is right in front of me and I missed it.
And Crane I do understand being anti-Peterson….but why Anti Herm? I hope you are not one of those so called Chiefs fans who would rather see them lose so you can say “I told you so”, rather than see them win so you have to say you were wrong. There are too many so called chiefs fans who really are just wanting them to lose so they can be right about their dire predictions. They would hate for the chiefs to win because it would prove them wrong…to me those are not real chiefs fans. Chief fans would love to be proved wrong because their love of the chiefs far outweights their own ego…remember when Len was quarterback they booed him many times before he won the superbowl…..they all wanted mike livingston to be quarterback…good thing hank stram did what he wanted not what the fans wanted. By the way I am in no way equating len dawson with brodie….
September 27th, 2008 at 12:12 amWriter- if you look at the very end of the post, before the comments, there are a bunch of icons and is says who the post was by.
I’ve been anti-Herm since the day he was hired. Mostly because I can’t stand his brand of football. Partly because I used to bet on games a lot and 13-10 Herm always screwed me. I don’t think time of possession works in the NFL as well as it used to especially when you have zero passing game.
Anyway, I’m entitled to hate on Herm if I want and I will until he is gone. I think he is full of crap basically.
Also. 0-13 is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE even if we are “rebuilding”. We definitely should have beat Oakland and New England for that matter.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:54 am[...] Hey, KC Chiefs Fans, Screw Tailgating–It’s Time To Start Heaven’s Gating [...]
September 30th, 2008 at 12:19 am