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Hey, Chiefs Fans, Screw Tailgating–It's Time To Start Heaven's Gating


Fans with bags over their heads that read 0-3Margaret Knight was an employee in the Columbia Paper Bag Company in Springfield, Massachusetts. In 1867, she invented a new machine part that would make square bottoms for paper bags by automatically folding and gluing them. After doing thousands of trial bags on a wooden machine, she had an iron model produced in Boston. Simultaneously, a man that had previously toured her workplace attempted to steal her idea, claiming women couldn’t possibly invent machines. Due to her notes, blueprints and 16 days of trial at her expense the jury ruled in her favor.

All this work was done so eventually football fans could have a “green” solution to express their displeasure with their local sports teams by wearing aforementioned bags on their heads, scribbling “FIRE _______!!!” The Detroit Lions eventually got this to work with their firing of Matt Millen and Chiefs fans should take note.

The old adage says “Beauty is a Lightswitch Away”, if only that were true with the Chiefs; I would have already got Herm Edwards pregnant. It worked with Sarah Palin’s daughter didn’t it? Hell, why not hire Sarah Palin as our head coach and G.M.? If she can kill a moose with her bare hands and field dress it with her teeth, she surely can wear a headset and glance up at the clock…or call the exact same play twice in a row like Herm did last week (pass to the left, short flare over the top to Jamaal Charles).

The brown paper bag goes with Herm Edwards as well as it does an ugly girl. Yeah everyone likes her ok enough, and says she has a “great personality,” but when it nears showtime we still want to put that bag over her head. Sure Herm’s a great quote guy and a player’s coach, but when game time nears I find myself reaching for something…a remote…a paper bag…or if I’m at the game, I reach for my trusty…

Kansas City Chiefs Fan Stadium Pack!

1 Paper Bag – Brown. (no holes…I can’t watch)

1 Arrowhead bottled water 16 oz. (or Everclear, if you prefer)

1 Sony Walkman DVD Player (with a burned DVD of 2006 KC-Denver Thanksgiving Game)

1 Vermeil-ex (cross between a Terrible Towel and Kleenex for wiping tears/vomit)

If you can’t find a paper bag but are able to procure a plastic bag…fear not! You may have the answer. What we need to do to really send a message to King Carl and the gang at One Arrowhead Drive is bring plastic bags to the game. Now hear me out. We need COMMITTED, make that literally DIE-HARD Chiefs fans to pull this one off.

Bring your Wal-Mart plastic bags to the game, in secret. Stash them in your pocket. After the final whistle of the third quarter…whip ‘em out (the bags…get your mind out of the gutter). Kiss your wife, or seat neighbor goodbye. Finish your water or Everclear. Wipe away those tears with your Vermeil-ex. Place the plastic bag over your head and turn around and ask the person behind you (if there is anyone at the game) on your signal to wrap the handles tight around your head and pull when you sit down.

At first you’re going to panic like Brodie turning to give the handoff on the wrong side, but relax and walk toward the light. You’re going to a better place. A place full of multiple touchdown games and stingy defense. Fantasy football is awesome in Heaven. Each week all your players are Saints and have career games. With any luck you’ll meet a Priest at the Red and Gold gates, dressed in all white and healthy; extending his little touchdown shrug into a hug for you, the Chief fan that made the ultimate sacrifice.

This Heaven’s Gate/Jim Jonesian approach to protest won’t win the hearts and minds of the Hunts, but it will get us way more media attention than a few guys in the beer garden running into walls with bags on their heads. It will show our commitment, our resolve and in a “samurai-falling-on-his-sword” kinda way…our honor.

In all seriousness, you can’t just throw a bag over your head to make a lasting statement to our Chiefs management. There has to be more substance–like everyone having the exact same thing written on their brown bag and not spending one penny more than necessary in Arrowhead. The question is, who do we want out first? King Carl, Harm, Brokie, or everybody? My order of operations would be Harm, Brokie, and eventually Carl. I think Carl still could serve a purpose in strictly GM capacity over a year or two, but he needs to be gone by 2010 for sure. Let’s let him finish this stadium expansion before half the cast of the Sopranos is sitting in lawn chairs collecting a paycheck in the parking lot. Carl isn’t coaching, or calling plays or starting Tyler Thigpen. Carl is however, laughing all the way to the bank (that is, before it fails too).

I’ve given you the Blueprint. It’s up to you to make the medium the message.

Finally, Did you hear that Arrowhead is about to be named Tampax Stadium?

It’s because the Chiefs are only good for one period and don’t have a second string!

Tags: Arrowhead Brown Paper Bag Herm Herm Edwards Jim Jones Kleenex Sarah Palin Wal-Mart