Brodie Croyle’s only hope to be a star in Kansas City is if the Chiefs and Royals suck so bad simultaneously that they create a black hole at the sports complex that is only reversed by David Glass and Clark Hunt simultaneously joining their open wallets together like Voltron creating the Kansas City Chroyles a merger of the Chiefs and Royals; a shittiest of the shitty combination of KC suck with Brodie Croyle as the pitcher and quarterback that always gets hurt the first game of the season.
Just think, the Chroyles could out-build Famous Dave’s Arrowhead Stadium* so big that it could encompass the K. For SuperBowl and ad considerations, we’ll shape the roof like a weber grill, even with a vent that open up in a circle to shine light down to the pitcher’s mound/50 yard line to illuminate our star pitcher/quarterback Brokie Croyle and Garth Brooks the next time he comes to town. Hell, we can have a golf cart with a spatula on the front, The Spatula-Mobile, come scrape Brokie off the field at each opener!
Local Radio Commercial in KC soon:
“Hai y’all, I’m Brodie Croyle, when I ain’t pitchin’ or playin’ quarterback for the Chroyles I do my shoppin’ for ammo, decoys and Ben Gay at Bass Pro Shop!”
Quick Hitters:
- 3 starting QB’s in the first 3 games has only happened 3 times…ever. (Guess good things don’t happen in 3’s.)
- A Chiefs-drafted QB hasn’t won a regular season game for us since ‘83. (Dang 3’s)
- “Chiefs Apathy” from fans will do more damage than “Harm“* Edwards ever will.
- Watching the Chiefs play-honestly, I haven’t missed the halfback pass this bad since Tecmo Bowl.
*Harm = Herm, henceforth.
**I know Famous Dave’s isn’t HQ’d in KC- Carl will sell out to an out-of-stater in a panic after seeing the ticket sales report.
QB Carousel:
Week One
So we begin the season vs New England with Brokie Croyle, Brokie gets broke-ed in the first game. He beat my prediction of getting injured in the Denver Game by 2 games. Huard comes in and stinks too. Throw in a case of the dropsies by D-Bo and that’s L soup. “No Win for you!”
Week Two
Superbowl Ring Owner Damon “RainMan” Huard starts game two against what looked to be a totally hapless Oakland team that Denver embarrassed the week before. “RainMan” gets a phantom “head injury” that isn’t released until much later in the game. Harm Edwards decides to play Marques Hagans fresh off the practice squad along with boner-rific Tyler Thigpen who “set all kinda records” at Coastal Carolina University (which had just started football five years prior.) All you need to know is about 39 comments on “Worst Moment”
Week 3
Atlanta, a preseason pick for the worst team in the league, has started 1-1. Thigpen starts and accidentally hands off to the rushing Atlanta defender for 6. Hagans comes in and gets booed because the Atlanta crowd mistakes him for Michael Vick because he never throws and his tats. We do something that rhymes with “news”. Hint? It starts with “L”.
Week 4
KC vs. a likely undefeated Denver in Famous Dave’s Arrowhead. The return of Brokie Croyle doesn’t last long, but he gets a TD to D-Bo, but once again, gets hurt. I smell late 2nd quarter knee/injury. What also smells is the sequel of Thigpen and Hagans that no one wants to see. Fans filing out now, 3rd quarter. Thigpen goes down in the fourth. Another loss, another kick to the neighbor’s dog.
Week 5
Huard starts vs. Carolina, but looks like Al Davis out there. “Huuuu-arrrd,” is now the noise I make throwing up during this game. Thigpen comes in, looks like Pigpen. We are forced to list Jamaal Charles as our emergency QB and call 911, we are on SportsCenter for all the wrong reasons, all week-with Benny Hill music playing.
Week 6
Best game KC plays this year. They don’t lose! Bye week. Psyche.
Week 7
Vince Young is committed to a psychiatric ward… but it doesn’t compare to what the KC Fans are going through. We trade back for Trent Green, for a seventh-round pick. He gets sacked against a goalpost sideways and snaps his vertebrae in 6 places. No one will go in at QB so we just snap it to L.J. and he dives between the center’s legs every play; then blames D-Bo for not blocking downfield.
Week 8
We roll into Brett Farve town and John Madden is there just for the food and Farve. Farve plays like he did against us last year with the Pack. Three Chiefs fans jump off the side of the stadium. The boo birds and paper bags are out for our offensive leader at QB, Vinny Testaverde, The “bubble-gum in the dam” lasts til the third quarter. Harm can’t beat his old squad. Chiefs sign Joakim Soria to the practice squad. Another L.
Week 9
Brodie Back…aaaand Brokie Back. The Chiefs have signed Jeff George* under the agreement that Jason Whitlock has to step in for Damion McSackintosh. Fans have something to cheer when a swarm of Tampa defenders take them both out in an 11-man dogpile. Harm creates a fake family emergency to duck press conference. *George’s jersey number… 3, of course.
Enough, I can’t take anymore soothsaying and prognosticating…finish out the week for me with your worst-case scenarios!
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I like your posts, they make me laugh…
That was funny. The Jets however aren’t coming to Arrowhead, that game is to be played in New York. Which is good, if you think about it: playing at Arrowhead is a huge home-field disadvantage for these Chiefs. Excellent post though.
Whoops. Will fix that…but nothing else! Thanks.
Sweet. Lose my pretties Lose! The 09 draft is coming together nicely. You guys didnt think we were gona be in playoff contention anyways?….did you?
It will be nice to see Matty Ice play. I wonder if Nick Novack will kick a freak field goal that bounces off the uprights and wacks Matty in the head for a concussion. Out for season. If we cant win this season, we might as well knee cap all the top QB’s in the league for good measure haha.
If Herman Headwards and Carl Peterson don’t win 6 games this year they both should be fired. If Brodie Croyle can come back and stay in the rest of the season they can win 6…with some good bouces maybe more. Unfortunatly the bounces(bad calls) don’t generally go the CHIEFS way. So we’ll be lucky not to end up on one of the worst losing streaks in NFL history. In that case I say we really rebuild. Rebuild the ENTIRE staff. Top to bottom. Wipe off the uuuck just in time for the stadiums to be finished. But, if Larry gets going and Croyle can stay in…we win six or more then sweet let’s keep rollin’ with it. The offense could still blosssom. Everyone keeps their jobs.
So our team started 0-2 by losing against a very beatable team. Harm starts 0-2. Its a fact of life. The level of overreaction to this simple, unfortunate, universal truth is ridiculous, but expected. We just hit rock bottom. But the forecasts of 0-16 are patently insane. I love how everyone could be so cool and patient about the rebuild in the offseason coming off a solid draft class and no one seemed to mind that our team would suck early on. But once those actual games are played everyone starts jumping ship and saying the entire roster is a failure and those that aren’t should be traded to contenders since they deserve the right to compete for glory. Some of you guys are being so melodramatic about this crap that I’m wondering if I should take back what I said to an old ex about her being the most melodramatic person in the world. Stop the histrionics, folks. This team isn’t as bad as you all think it is. Oh, and I’m gonna go ahead and say one thing: Thigpen wins on Sunday. Write that down.
Why not call the team the Kansas City “Croyles”? Especially if Croyle is the star.
Melodrama is a great way to cope with this, Sudden. I also think we’re laughing about it all so it isn’t so painful. Everyone else is laughing at us, we might as well get a chuckle at our own expense, too. Thigpen is not going to win on Sunday. No how, no way.
Crane, hilarious post, brother. If we take this too seriously all of our heads are going to explode. It’s almost like a prison stint, so any time one of us can fly the inmates a funny kite it’s a good thing.
Sudden, you make a good point. And I will be honest and tell you that I get caught up in my own emotion and I haven’t been watching these games with ice in my veins. It’s hard to sit back and enjoy losing, no matter what everyone said back in April. However, let me make one thing clear that I believe: these 2008 Chiefs can play. They have talent. It’s the coaching staff I’m starting to not trust and not believe in. Limiting LJ, one of the best players on the field (IMO) to 12 carries and using the excuse “We were behind so we had to pass” is pretty weak.
Whir, I hear that. Chan was supposed to bring in some sort of creativity to our running game. In fact, I don’t have a problem with running on 75% of first downs as long as we run different formations, different holes, different types of runs (pitches, counters, anything getting some pulling, etc.). This dive off of Waters ass is getting predictable and old. Chan needs to step his playcalling up bigtime in the next few weeks.
I will write that down Sudden, right under “Things that won’t happen Sunday”
I’m not overreacting to anything. You’re kinda new around here…I’ve always ALWAYS been anti-Harm and anti-Brodie. I just choose to poke fun at the situation instead of jumping ship to another team.
I write 75% of my content as a goof, with the rest supposedly resembling some good NFL content.
This isn’t supposed to be melodramatic serious writing that I’m putting out there at least. This bleeding will not stop this season and apathy is the next step.
The die hard football fans in our quad state area deserve better than a coach that has a strategy of chewing the clock. We deserve better entertainment that that at a base level. Who wants their favorite team to run the clock?..no one. We have to fork out too much financially and emotionally for our Chiefs to deserve to be subjected to our current level of Chief torture. -But we are, (& this goes out to everyone) so have a coke and a smile and STFU.
My comment wasn’t directed at your post Crane. It was directed at the entirety of Chiefs Kingdom. I’m not as new as you think and I’ve seen your posts and understand that you’re out for laughter, which God knows helps out in times like these. And I understand you’re one of the longtime Anti-Herm, Anti-Brodie guys. If anything, that makes you sound prescient so far. My whole point is that all those that were on board for Herm as captain of the rebuild that are now saying fire everyone short of Clark himself need to read what they wrote in April after the draft or in July as camp began and calm down about 0-2 start. Fact: Herm starts 0-2. That is why he will not be the guy to lead us to the promised land. But that doesn’t mean this team won’t improve dramatically by seasons end.
OK, Richard Pryor (Crane).
Aiight Sudden, you won me back over. You actually have a nice vocabulary. Prescient. Nice work.
Adam…and Eddie Murphy;-)
Raw…might have to pop that in…after the Chiefs game Sunday. Good thing the new Chris Rock comes out next weekend–we’ll need it for after that Denver game.