Brodie Croyle’s only hope to be a star in Kansas City is if the Chiefs and Royals suck so bad simultaneously that they create a black hole at the sports complex that is only reversed by David Glass and Clark Hunt simultaneously joining their open wallets together like Voltron creating the Kansas City Chroyles a merger of the Chiefs and Royals; a shittiest of the shitty combination of KC suck with Brodie Croyle as the pitcher and quarterback that always gets hurt the first game of the season.
Just think, the Chroyles could out-build Famous Dave’s Arrowhead Stadium* so big that it could encompass the K. For SuperBowl and ad considerations, we’ll shape the roof like a weber grill, even with a vent that open up in a circle to shine light down to the pitcher’s mound/50 yard line to illuminate our star pitcher/quarterback Brokie Croyle and Garth Brooks the next time he comes to town. Hell, we can have a golf cart with a spatula on the front, The Spatula-Mobile, come scrape Brokie off the field at each opener!
Local Radio Commercial in KC soon:
“Hai y’all, I’m Brodie Croyle, when I ain’t pitchin’ or playin’ quarterback for the Chroyles I do my shoppin’ for ammo, decoys and Ben Gay at Bass Pro Shop!”
- 3 starting QB’s in the first 3 games has only happened 3 times…ever. (Guess good things don’t happen in 3’s.)
- A Chiefs-drafted QB hasn’t won a regular season game for us since ’83. (Dang 3’s)
- “Chiefs Apathy” from fans will do more damage than “Harm“* Edwards ever will.
- Watching the Chiefs play-honestly, I haven’t missed the halfback pass this bad since Tecmo Bowl.
*Harm = Herm, henceforth.
**I know Famous Dave’s isn’t HQ’d in KC- Carl will sell out to an out-of-stater in a panic after seeing the ticket sales report.
So we begin the season vs New England with Brokie Croyle, Brokie gets broke-ed in the first game. He beat my prediction of getting injured in the Denver Game by 2 games. Huard comes in and stinks too. Throw in a case of the dropsies by D-Bo and that’s L soup. “No Win for you!”
Superbowl Ring Owner Damon “RainMan” Huard starts game two against what looked to be a totally hapless Oakland team that Denver embarrassed the week before. “RainMan” gets a phantom “head injury” that isn’t released until much later in the game. Harm Edwards decides to play Marques Hagans fresh off the practice squad along with boner-rific Tyler Thigpen who “set all kinda records” at Coastal Carolina University (which had just started football five years prior.) All you need to know is about 39 comments on “Worst Moment”
Atlanta, a preseason pick for the worst team in the league, has started 1-1. Thigpen starts and accidentally hands off to the rushing Atlanta defender for 6. Hagans comes in and gets booed because the Atlanta crowd mistakes him for Michael Vick because he never throws and his tats. We do something that rhymes with “news”. Hint? It starts with “L”.
KC vs. a likely undefeated Denver in Famous Dave’s Arrowhead. The return of Brokie Croyle doesn’t last long, but he gets a TD to D-Bo, but once again, gets hurt. I smell late 2nd quarter knee/injury. What also smells is the sequel of Thigpen and Hagans that no one wants to see. Fans filing out now, 3rd quarter. Thigpen goes down in the fourth. Another loss, another kick to the neighbor’s dog.
Huard starts vs. Carolina, but looks like Al Davis out there. “Huuuu-arrrd,” is now the noise I make throwing up during this game. Thigpen comes in, looks like Pigpen. We are forced to list Jamaal Charles as our emergency QB and call 911, we are on SportsCenter for all the wrong reasons, all week-with Benny Hill music playing.
Best game KC plays this year. They don’t lose! Bye week. Psyche.
Vince Young is committed to a psychiatric ward… but it doesn’t compare to what the KC Fans are going through. We trade back for Trent Green, for a seventh-round pick. He gets sacked against a goalpost sideways and snaps his vertebrae in 6 places. No one will go in at QB so we just snap it to L.J. and he dives between the center’s legs every play; then blames D-Bo for not blocking downfield.
We roll into Brett Farve town and John Madden is there just for the food and Farve. Farve plays like he did against us last year with the Pack. Three Chiefs fans jump off the side of the stadium. The boo birds and paper bags are out for our offensive leader at QB, Vinny Testaverde, The “bubble-gum in the dam” lasts til the third quarter. Harm can’t beat his old squad. Chiefs sign Joakim Soria to the practice squad. Another L.
Brodie Back…aaaand Brokie Back. The Chiefs have signed Jeff George* under the agreement that Jason Whitlock has to step in for Damion McSackintosh. Fans have something to cheer when a swarm of Tampa defenders take them both out in an 11-man dogpile. Harm creates a fake family emergency to duck press conference. *George’s jersey number… 3, of course.
Enough, I can’t take anymore soothsaying and prognosticating…finish out the week for me with your worst-case scenarios!