Chiefs @ Dolphins Post-Game Report: Drilled!

The barber may be the same, but not their game.

Speaking of drilled, if Herm Edwards was a drill instructor–and he might have it in him, because his pops served in WWII–here’s what he’d be saying right now :

“24-zilch? You call that football, you pond-sucking scum?! You gang-greenified maggot f***ers! You little girls don’t even deserve to be in the pink panty club! We’re going to have to make you purple panties with little pink flowers on on them, you pansies! I have seen bigger sets of testicles hanging from those Powder Puff bimbos! At least they pop somebody every now and then! You know what?! If a bomb hit this sorry-ass locker room right now, it would be a waste of a bomb! Do the world a favor and choke yourself to death with your chinstraps, you germ-infested puss pockets!”

OK, now that I’ve had my Full Metal Jacket glory, I’m going to cut myself off before I go too overboard, if that hasn’t already happened (um, pretty sure it has, but OK, Adam). At least I feel better after that rant. Hopefully, we all feel better.

Now on to a rapid-fire freestyle about our beloved Chiefs (it hurts to claim them tonight, folks):

Even Brian Waters played like complete ass tonight. Not only was he tippy-toeing around on L.J.’s near-TD plunge (hit somebody, B!), but he was making excuses for the Chiefs’ offense in an interview. Now that’s leadership, 5-4!

Dwayne Bowe may call himself Mr. Awesome now, but tonight he was Mr. Craptastic. His cousin Bobby Sippio was Booby Droppio. His confidence is completely busted after choking against Arizona (thanks for the assist, Thiggy Smalls). Thanks for making me look bad, Sipp. Appreciate it! The catching cousins were the dropping dunces tonight. Their hometown fans want their money back. Now.

I may have been wrong on Sippio. He still has the tools, but I’m man enough to admit I was wrong and that he doesn’t deserve to be on the team. But I definitely wasn’t all wrong. I was right about our QB situation and need for more beef on the line (remember the Where’s the Beef campaign), among other things…

Our quarterback situation is absolutely tragic. The vow of silence is over. I’ve been saying Brodie Croyle doesn’t have it for months, and tonight he was awful. He should of nailed D-Bowe for a TD, but he launched it out of bounds. He threw an awful pick at the end of the first half. And can the guy complete a pass that nets double-digit yards? OK, without YAC? What good is that big arm if he can’t make progressions and just dumps the ball off every time? And he just dropped the ball on his fumble. Unbelievable. This is the guy who we’re betting our future on (you can tilt your glasses back and chug now!). Even though he played at Alabama, Brodie is no Broadway. If he keeps playing like this, then the only hunting he is going to do will be for a new job.

His back-ups–and calling them that after this performance is a slap in the face to every back-up who ever played in the NFL–were even worse. Tyler Thigpen might as well have cut Kevin McMahan himself, because he didn’t give him a chance to do jack. Thiggy Smalls is never going to be anything, so we should just go ahead and give him the gong. Damon Huard is just scared, sad and pathetic back there. Put the old bird out of his misery and let him hold a clipboard for a contender. They can take their coach, Dick Curl, with them.

Speaking of the passing game, the playcalling was horrid. The five-lane highway masquerading as an offensive line didn’t help, but I have never seen a more dinky-dunk offense in my life. Do we have any plays that actually go downfield? Do we ever throw past the first down marker on third down? Or even past the line of scrimmage? All those third down screens were Solariesque. Some of that is on Brodie and Co., too.

It’s not who we should bring in as far as another quarterback, it’s how fast can we get them to K.C. Somebody. Anybody! Or at least it should be. We desperately need another QB besides Brodie on the roster. We need another quarterback worse than Amy Winehouse needs her crack.

Larry Johnson played fine considering his line, but his blocking left a lot to be desired. For someone who likes running over people, he sure doesn’t like to get physical when he blocks. Step it up, Iron Man. A contestant from Iron Chef could have stood there and ceded a “one apple” rush.

Tamba Hali. I saw you tonight. You were on the back of a milk carton. Replacing Jared Allen? So far you couldn’t have replaced Jared from Subway. You almost had one sack, but instead it was a TD. If D-Bowe is Mr. Awesome, you are Mr. Almost. Devard Darling is on my other cartoon, FYI.

Our linebackers make our back-up quarterbacks look like Tom and Tony. Other than Derrick Johnson, who’s been solid.

Is Bernard Pollard trying to give Dajuan Morgan his job. Bonecrusher? Who’s bones, the invisible man’s? Stop whiffing and shoulder tackling! Damn, even Jarrad Page, who used to be a much worse tackler than you, gets it. Step up, B.P.

B.J. Sams, you see Tedd Ginn? That’s how you return. Maybe you can play with him on Madden after you get your pink slip?

And I have to ask this question: Damion McIntosh, how do you sleep at night? Do you ever plan on actually earning your hefty paychecks?

The bright spots? There were very few, but…

Dantrell Savage, other than his early gaffe.

Brandon Carr. I see you, player. Nice pick.

Dimitri Patterson, E.J. Kuale, Maurice Leggett and Morgan all made some nice plays, mostly on special teams. Kuale actually knocked out a receiver with a devastating block. As bad as our special teams play was, these guys need to make the team. Morgan will, but Leggett and Patterson need to as well. They’ve both made impressive TD-saving tackles so far, not to mention other hustle plays. Thanks for playing, Tyron Brackenridge. Start sending out your resume.

Herb Taylor and Mike Cox did a pretty solid job.

My new “Webb Stopper” Maurice Price–sorry, Sipp, but you dropped the ball…literally–made the only play he had the chance to. Love that kid. Mo HAS to make this roster. Has to.

Kolby Smith played well, which was good to see again. He has fantastic hands. Jackie Battle played hard. The Battle Axe reminds me of Nick Goings and should stick–somewhere. Just not here.

Last but not least, I thought my boy Turk McBride did a somewhat steady job. Glenn Dorsey and Tank Tyler were, blah, just so so. I can live with that, however, as this was both of their first real starts. We have to at least get one sack, though.

Actually, one more thing…we should have looked at Chad Pennington like I wanted us to.

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Tags: 2008 Chiefs Dolphins Preseason