COAT Controversy (shockingly, it involves none other than Priest Holmes)

I’m all about busting myths. I especially enjoy myth-busting films. You know, ones that reveal that McDonalds is basically like eating rat poison or that our nation’s healthcare system is right up there with the ranks of Slovenia.

In the world of sports journalism/media, blogs are the indie films or documentaries that allow us little people to express ourselves. That being said, it’s time to bust the hell out of a few Kansas City Chiefs myths:

• Priest Holmes is the swellest guy since Ward Cleaver.
  

• Larry Johnson is a Pacman-esque thug.

• Tony Gonzalez is a reckless womanizer.

For the record, I love and respect Priest Holmes. I do think he’s a good guy, it’s just that he’s not the saint everybody makes him out to be. First off, he isn’t coming back. The only reason he is even acting like that door is still open is to keep receiving checks with Clark Hunt’s signature on them.

Second, everybody from Redbeard to our favorite Donks blogger has made wisecracks about D.T.’s seven illegitimate children, but Priest has three illegitimate children of his own that we never, ever hear about (by the way, the Larry Johnson listed is the old hoops star nicknamed Grandmama , not our L.J.). So that puts Priest right up there with D.T., Ricky Williams and The Reign Man in the impregnating-out-of-wedlock ranks. Elite company, my friends.

(Here’s a little something for all you Broncos fans out there that like to bash D.T. and his old Ray Charles-like ways — those crazy bastards over at *12 Seahawks Street found Shannon Sharpe’s sex tape. DISCLAIMER – Most of you will not — I repeat, will not — want to click on that link.)

My crack staff and I (which is me, my cat and a pot of coffee) did some research, and to the best of our knowledge our Larry Johnson has zero illegitimate children. I’m not saying that he is Mister Rogers or anything. What I am saying is that if you want to call one guy an asshole for beating a woman, skipping appointments and being all “tatted up,” then also call a guy an asshole for leaving three women with an 18-year burden.

(And for the record, no, I do not have any illegitimate or legitimate children that I know about. Thanks for asking. And while we’re on the subject — is it really cool to label a child “illegitimate” anyway?)

As for Tony G, he had one illegitimate child with anchorwoman Lauren Sánchez (hey, I’m not rationalizing or condoning the impregnation here, but at least she’s hot), which was somewhat legitimate considering the two were together back then. As far as we can tell, he takes care of his child (I imagine Priest does as well, or, at least we couldn’t find anything to the contrary). Tony G. is a monogamous dude — he just had a “formal commitment ceremony” (I may have to steal that one day). I have seen him light up the plaza like an AFL defense before, but I’ve never seen him with any “two dollar skags.” Anyway, what are you going to do? Sue a single guy for mingling with women at fine drinking establishments? He was single, and he obviously either abstains or wraps up.

All I’m saying is I don’t want to hear any of this Priest-is-a-great-guy/L.J.-is-a-dick rubbish as The COAT advances. I especially don’t want to hear about how Priest is such a better guy than Tony G. Not only is Tony G committed to his girlfriend, but he’s been about as loyal as any Chiefs player ever. I guess what I’m really saying is let’s keep the focus on football and what each Chief has done for the franchise, not on this off-the-field B.S.

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